


I'll Be Home for Christmas

by Ava_now



Series: Barollins AU [13]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Barollins is a legitimate ship y'all, Christmas Eve Smut, Christmas Fluff, Christmas Love, Christmas Presents, Christmas traditions, F/M, Family, Major Life Decisions, Rafael Barba loves Amanda Rollins loves Rafael Barba, christmas eve church, love and sweetness, sweet family fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:01:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28399623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ava_now/pseuds/Ava_now
Summary: Rafael decides to spend this Christmas with Amanda and her girls.  That decision opens his mind--and his heart--to thinking about the future of a relationship that has fundamentally changed who he is, and what he wants.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Amanda Rollins
Series: Barollins AU [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1760629
Comments: 5
Kudos: 20





	I'll Be Home for Christmas

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there!
> 
> As you may know, I usually write Barisi, but I have also written a variety of other things. Barollins is one of my more "crack" ships, but completely beloved! I've put all of my Barollins fics together in this AU, and the stories somewhat weave together for the most part. This fic does reference another fic, Number 239, in which there is a campus shooter at Rafael's teaching job, but it is not necessary to read that in order to understand this one. The fic Emergency Contact provides the story of Rafael's response to Amanda's kidnapping by Frank Bucci, but again, not necessary to read this, just more info for context.
> 
> Comments and kudos are always super appreciated and helpful. I hope you enjoy this fic! We're a smaller bunch of Barollins shippers out there but I love to hear from you--it helps me gauge if anyone really cares if I write this or not, lol!

“I’m so glad you could come with us,” Amanda said as they made their way to the church on Christmas Eve. She pushed Billie’s stroller along as Rafael held Jesse’s hand for the short walk.

“You know this is how I wanted to spend Christmas, right?” he asked. “Being with the three of you...I can’t imagine a better way to celebrate the holiday.”

“Hey Wafi?” Jesse was tugging on his hand. “Is that where we’re goin’? To Jesus’ house?”

“It is!” he answered her, squeezing her hand and smiling. “Do you remember why?”

She nodded. “Cause it’s almost Jesus’ birthday! Wight? And we’re gonna have cake and presents!”

“Tomorrow, baby,” Amanda corrected her. “Tonight we’re going to tell God thank you for sending us Jesus.”

Jesse nodded. “Got it!” she announced, putting one thumb up. They made their way up the church steps and Amanda parked Billie’s stroller in the foyer, then they entered the sanctuary.

As the service began, Rafael contemplated how different this Christmas was from all his Christmases before. It had been years since he truly believed and practiced his religion. Since graduating Harvard, he’d always attended exactly two masses a year: Christmas and Easter. Those were the only two his mother had been able to guilt him into. Normally, he and his mother would be having dinner in one of Manhattan’s finer establishments before heading to church for midnight mass. He would see her home, then return in the morning for a late brunch and the opening of the handful of presents they gave one another. 

The irony that love could change all that.

This year he’d fallen in love with Amanda Rollins. Clever, determined, messy, passionate Amanda had turned his life on its side and made him rethink everything his forty-something self had settled into. That included his religious beliefs and affiliations. A few months earlier, after many discussions and much research, he and Amanda had hesitantly attended services at a nearby progressive, nondenominational family-friendly church. Their attendance had quickly turned into a habit, both of them finding the church to be a welcome respite for people like themselves, previously turned away by others’ interpretations of the Word. For the first time in years, Rafael felt himself slowly and purposefully reconnecting to God. 

He’d been afraid of how Lucia would handle his desire to spend Christmas with Amanda and her children. Fortunately, though, she’d beaten him to the punch. “Tia Valentina has invited me to visit for Christmas this year,” Lucia announced in November. “Of course, you’re welcome to come along if you’d like, but I know how you prefer your fancy holiday vacations…”

He’d gone skiing in Gstaadt. Once.

“Actually, I was thinking of spending it with Amanda and the girls this year,” he replied, and he swore he saw his mother smile. Not that she’d admit it. But she was still holding out hope he would bless her with a grandchild before she died, despite the fact he was a bisexual, middle aged bachelor with the odds stacked against him. At any rate, he had taken her to the airport two days before and seen her off on a direct flight to Miami. Then he’d gone home, gathered his own things, and headed to Amanda’s.

“Wook at that girl with the baby up there!” Jesse poked him in the ribs with her elbow, pointing to the pulpit, where some of the children were re-enacting the first Christmas. “I wanna be that girl! Tan I have a baby too, Wafi?”

He smiled and ran a hand through her blonde hair. “She’s pretending to be Mary, Jesus’ mother. Remember the story? How Joseph and Mary had to find a place to stay and there was no room anywhere, except in the stable with the animals?”

Her little head bobbed up and down with enthusiasm. They’d been reading the story in various forms all month, and on more than one occasion she’d asked him to be Joseph while she took care of her baby doll. Basically, she required him to sit still with a broom handle in his hand and a blanket on his head, and occasionally say nice things to the doll. It was a role he could manage, and he’d done it to make her happy.

Something about being around Amanda’s kids, something about this family, made him feel that he had something to contribute that maybe he hadn’t caught onto yet. He’d never seen himself as a father-type of guy until the last year. But something about the way Jesse followed his lead, mimicked what he did, something about the way Billie took comfort in him holding her and giggled with him, it all had made him rethink things. Maybe he could be a loving role model. Perhaps he had the ability to nurture another person, encourage and accept them. 

Jesse was wiggling around as the minister gave the short sermon; Rafael picked up the little girl and sat her in his lap. She looked at his face and smiled, holding one finger up to her mouth. “Ssh!” she whispered, grinning at him, and he did the same back to her.

After the sermon, the congregation sang “Silent Night”, providing candles for adults and LED candles for children. Rafael helped Jesse turn on her candle as Amanda helped Billie, and as they sang he felt a soft hand on his elbow. Turning, he realized it was Amanda. She wasn’t looking at him; she was holding Billie in one arm and was watching the choir and minister at the front of the church. But her hand was gently stroking his arm, sending a sure and steady message of connection.

He loved her. They’d said it, sure, but in this moment, he felt part of something bigger, something whole, something important. Glancing down, he saw Jesse singing to her candle, and he found himself thinking how wonderful it would be to live every Christmas like this. Like family.

***

“Do you wike it, Wafi? I wook wike a candy cane girl!” Jesse was giggling to herself, spinning in circles in her new red and white striped nightgown. Billie was in the same style of gown, only smaller, giggling at her sister and clapping.

“Sissy!” Billie cried out, giggling. “Sissy sissy sissy!”

“I love it,” Rafael told the little girl. “Are we ready for our story? Remember, Momma said we have to go to bed soon so that Santa can come.”

“That’s right, girls!” Amanda began to herd them toward the girls’ bedroom. It was slow moving, especially when Billie stopped mid-hallway, laughing hard and calling Frannie.

“Fannie! Do! Do bed, Fannie!” she called loudly, then burst into a fit of giggles.

“I think Frannie is waiting for YOU to go to bed,” Amanda told her, teasingly popping the little girl on the rear. Billie squealed and then toddled ahead of everyone into the bedroom.

“She’s so silly, Momma!” Jesse said, watching her sister. They all finally made it into the bedroom, and after a few minutes of shuffling, Jesse was in her bed with Amanda next to her, and Rafael beside her with Billie in his lap. 

“It’s Santa Mouse tonight,” Amanda whispered dramatically, and both girls giggled. 

She began to read the first of three short illustrated stories. Billie was asleep before the end of the first one. Jesse watched, spellbound, thumb in her mouth as she listened to her mother read. Rafael felt like a silent observer, noting the two of them together, the drama Amanda included in her inflection as she read and Jesse’s sweet response. It was clear that Jesse was lost in the story as her mother read; there was something magical between the two of them. He thought back to his own mother reading to him as a little boy. It didn’t happen often, but oh, how he had loved it when it did! She would climb into bed with him and he would snuggle close to her, feeling safe as she would wrap an arm around him. Then she would read, just like Amanda did, with her voice taking on different characters and taking him on amazing adventures. And when she finished, she would always kiss him goodnight on his forehead and tell him she loved him. She didn’t say that very often, but she always said it when she finished reading.

Amanda finished the last story; Jesse drowsily smiled at her mother. “I wove you Momma. Nigh-night,” the little girl said as they slid out of her bed. Rafael lay Billie in her crib as Amanda kissed Jesse goodnight, and Amanda turned the light out, leaving the nightlight on, and closed the door to a crack.

Rafael followed her down the hall to her bedroom. They entered and she closed the door, latching it quietly behind them. “Only a million presents left to wrap,” she laughed softly, and he chuckled back, taking a seat on the bed.

“We’ll get it done,” he assured her. “What do you want me to start with?” He knew she had everything hidden in her closet or under her bed, but wasn’t really sure what her method was to get it done. “Do you want me to start wrapping while you pull things out?”

She sank onto the bed next to him. “In a minute. First I wanna make out with you. There’s something incredibly sexy about watching you with the girls. I know you don’t see yourself as a dad-type, but I think most girls would kill to have a man treat them the way that you treat my girls.” She reached up, resting a hand around the back of his head and neck, playing with his hair. “And don’t think I don’t love you for it. Because God knows, I do.” She leaned forward and brushed her lips over his, and he immediately wrapped his arms around her, pulling her closer. Their kiss grew deeper as her body pressed against his and their tongues began to touch and taste one another. One of his hands stroked her hair while the other ran slowly up and down her side, until his thumb extended and ran over one breast slowly. His hand followed, cupping and stroking, and when they pulled apart to breathe, their foreheads pressed together.

“I love you too, Amanda,” he murmured, fingers toying with the buttons on the front of her blouse now, wishing the presents were already wrapped. He felt her hand come to rest on his cock and he sighed heavily. “We really should focus on wrapping first…”

She chuckled softly. “Work before play, huh? Another reason I love you.”

“More like I can’t stand the thought of disappointing the girls,” he admitted, and she pinched his side, then got up to pull out the presents and wrapping materials.

***

The presents were wrapped and placed neatly under the tree, and the only lights on were the colorful tree lights. They were sitting on the couch, enjoying the peace and quiet as they leaned against one another. “Feliz Navidad, Rafael,” Amanda murmured, breathing him in. He smelled like his regular cologne, plus a bit of sweat and the roast they’d had for dinner. _Like home._

He turned his head slightly to look at her face, her bright blue eyes, her peach-flushed cheeks, the freckles that dotted her fair skin. “Merry Christmas, sweetheart,” he returned, taking her beauty in, slowly surveying her.

Feeling awkward, she moved back. “What?” she asked. “What are you doing?”

Rafael sighed, and took one of her hands in his. “Just wondering...wondering how in the hell I got so lucky as to be here, with you.”

Now she was gazing at him, and her eyes filled with tears. He swiped at one with his thumb. “What, honey? Why are you crying?”

She caught his hand, the one touching her face, and kissed it. “I don’t think anyone has ever felt lucky to be with me before, for any reason.”

“Fools,” he muttered. He reached over with both hands and cradled her head, then leaned forward and kissed her deeply, passionately, needing her to know how much she had impacted him, changed him over the last year. “You are incredible, Amanda...you mean everything to me.” Her eyes were watching him, doubtful of his sincerity, so he kissed her again, fully tasting her, teasing her tongue, tugging on her bottom lip. “I love you, Mandy. I love you,” he told her, breathless.

She pulled out of his arms and stood up, holding a hand out to him. He took her hand and stood, unsure of how she was feeling, until she stepped forward and hooked a finger into his belt loop. “Show me, Rafa,” she murmured, sexily tilting her head to the side and smiling at him. “Do you know what my Christmas wish is?” She took one step forward, wrapping an arm around his neck. Leaning into his ear, she whispered, “To feel you moving inside of me, honey.” 

She led him to the bedroom again, quickly locking the door as soon as they entered and shut it. By the time he turned around, she was tugging at his henley, trying to pull it up and off, and he helped her remove it quickly. She sighed, seeing his bare chest, and her fingers danced over his chest hair to his nipples, gently stroking and rolling. “I love your chest,” she moaned softly, and he cupped her face and kissed her. Her fingers moved into his chest hair, tugging repeatedly, then running up and down his sides as he reached for her tee and pulled it off. She quickly unfastened her bra, dropping it to the floor, then reached for his jeans as he reached for hers. A moment later they were both naked and he leaned forward to kiss her again.

They lay on the bed together, touching and kissing and stroking one another repeatedly. “Feel good?” he murmured as he slipped a finger inside of her, taking his time to circle it slowly before adding a second one.

“Mmhmm.” She was kissing and tasting his skin, sucking on his neck, then his nipples, as her hand moved down and gently cupped his balls and massaged them. She felt drops of precum landing on her wrist and forearm, and she ran her fingers up, over his shaft to the head of his cock, circling it. Then she caught him in a loose grip, slowly dragging her fist up and down his erection. “You feel good,” she told him softly. “Look how hard you are...how good you’re going to feel inside me…” He kissed her, tongue first this time, and she sucked it into her mouth fully. After a few moments, he began to slowly lick the inside of her mouth, and she continued to stroke his cock while he fingered her with the same slow rhythm. There was no rush. No hurry. Time to love each other as much as they wanted, as long as they cared to.

His mouth was licking and sucking on her nipples slowly. “So sexy,” he murmured, tugging a nipple with his teeth until she gasped. His fingers had slowly gained momentum as they curled tantalizingly inside of her, and she wrapped an arm around him to hold on.

“Fuck me,” she whispered desperately. “Please? I want to feel you inside me, Rafael...please…”

He pulled his fingers back and quickly licked them off. She watched and their eyes met; she made a pitiful whine and he choked out a soft laugh. “You taste good,” he justified, moving into position over her and lining up. “Are you ready? Do you want more lube or anything?”

She leaned up and kissed his nose. “Just you. All I want, all I need...just you, Rafa...ahhh.” The last was a soft moan of pleasure as he slid into her, slow but firm, then withdrew slightly before thrusting fully inside of her.

Again, looking into her eyes, he murmured, “I love you, Mandy...ah, you feel so good, baby...so, so good.”

They fell into a sexy rhythm. She nipped and kissed at his ear, his jaw, his neck, and he groaned at the pleasure of it all. She felt incredibly good and perfect and right; perfectly hot and wet and tight around him, and he lapsed into Spanish as he loved her. “Dios me encanta estar dentro de ti,” (God I love being inside you) he moaned into her ear, and he felt her hands move to his hips, grasping, before stroking and squeezing his ass. “You’re so perfect, Mandy...so beautiful,” he gasped at her, then readjusted himself, pulling back so that he could shift one of her legs to his shoulder. He rolled his hips experimentally, and she grasped his hips in response.

“Oh God, Rafa...please, just like that...oh God…” He drove into her again, and again, she arched and whispered, “please…” Rafael reached above her, grasping the top of the headboard.

“Ready?” he asked softly. Her eyes were closed and she was biting her bottom lip, flushed and beautiful, and she reached up to grab the headboard herself. She nodded, then opened her eyes to look at him. He nodded back, then thrust forward, and within seconds he was thrusting deep and quick, driving into her body, feeling the pleasure intensify with every movement. Her hips were moving with his and he could hear her softly moaning his name littered in with all the sounds of their lovemaking. He watched her arch her breasts toward him repeatedly until she suddenly arched and froze, crying out his name. “That’s it, come on, honey...come...yes, come on…” he urged her on, fucking her through her orgasm until his own climax caught him suddenly. He thrust deep and stilled. “Manda…” he groaned as he came, pleasure overriding everything else until he collapsed on top of her. He felt her arms and legs wrap around him, stroking his warm, sweaty skin, and he let himself sink into her.

After a few minutes, he slipped out of her and rolled to her side. She immediately curled up against him, head to his chest, and he wrapped his arms around her again. “I love you, Rafa,” she whispered, pressing random kisses to his sweaty chest. “That was amazing. Merry Christmas to us!”

He chuckled softly, then tangled his fingers into her hair and kissed her head. “I love you too, Amanda...I’m so happy here, with you and the girls. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this content with anyone before. It just feels like home.” As he said those last few words, he felt his heart skip a beat in fear that she may not feel anywhere close to the same.

“You’re a good man, Rafael,” she told him, circling one of his nipples with her thumb. “I’ve never fallen for a good man before.”

“With age comes wisdom,” he quipped, heart still pounding quickly.

Her mouth formed half a smile as she regarded him with tired eyes. “I’m not sure anyone would accuse me of being very wise, no matter what my age is.” She stroked his chest for a moment. “This is the best, calmest, most normal Christmas I’ve ever had. Five years ago I would’ve been out gambling and drinking. Even last year, Billie was with Al and it was just me and Jesse...it felt so empty. We opened presents and watched TV. This year, look at us...it’s like we’re a family...we went to church. We did some things that could become Christmas traditions...a nice dinner, putting out cookies for Santa, the girls opening up their Christmas gowns, reading Santa Mouse...we could do all of this again next year, like a real family--”

“You know,” Rafael interrupted her, “you and the girls already ARE a real family.”

“So what? Do you want in on this great fam, or what?” she teased, winking.

Rafael’s heart was racing. Did he want in? All night, he’d been reflecting on his life now and how much he loved every minute of tonight. How the girls brought out characteristics in him that he didn’t even know he had, but had enjoyed finding out about and getting better at. It’s not like he hadn’t thought about it. He loved Amanda, and he loved Jesse and Billie. And Amanda saw him in a different way than most people did. She challenged him, stood up to him, pushed him, but had his back as much as anyone he’d ever known. He knew he could count on her when he needed her. She’d been there for him when he survived the school shooting earlier in the year. She’d held him and nursed his soul. And he’d done the same for her, most recently when she was taken hostage. Of course he wanted in. He’d never wanted anything else.

“Of course I do,” he told her. “But what kind of “in” do you want, Mandy? Neither of us has ever been married before, and I don’t know if you want that. Whatever we do, I don’t want our “in” to end in an “out”, know what I mean?”

She was resting her head on her palm, elbow on the bed, blue eyes focused solely on him, and she truly was beautiful. “Oh I know exactly what kind of “in” I want, actually. It involves two rings, some vows, and a marriage certificate. A dress is nice, but I don’t care so much about a wedding. I want a marriage, Rafael. I want to be a wife. I want a commitment from a man who thinks I deserve one and is willing to take what I have to offer.” Her eyes fluttered and she looked downward. “I’m not sure if we’re breaking up or getting engaged here.”

He reached over and kissed her. “Trust me, I’m not letting you go, Amanda. I want the same. I want a partner who wants me and what I have to give. Someone who can love me for who I am, even if I’m incomplete or imperfect. I just want to be...I just…”

She ran a finger along his cheek. “You just want to be loved for who you are.”

His throat was dry. “Yeah.”

She nodded, and he caught her hand in his. “So you’re saying, if I were to ask you to marry me at some point in the near future, you’d be likely to say yes.”

“Yes.” She watched as he brought her hand up to his lips and kissed it.

He exhaled heavily. “Then I’d say it’s quite likely that I’ll be asking that question of you in the near future.” He squeezed her hand. “I love you. Merry Christmas, hermosa.”

She grinned, then kissed him. “Merry Christmas, guapo. I love you, too.”

***

“Santa came! Santa came!” A jubilant Jesse squealed at the top of her lungs as Rafael made coffee and Amanda changed Billie. “And didja see, Wafi? There’s SO MUCH presents! I musta been a WEALLY good girl!” She put her hands on her hips and surveyed the room. “Maybe even the BESTEST girl,” she said aloud, more to herself than anyone else, and Rafael bit his cheek to keep from laughing.

He and Amanda settled on the couch with mugs of coffee as the girls took turns opening their gifts. Amanda took pictures as Rafael gathered up the trash. “What are you smiling at?” she asked him, chuckling, as Jesse tossed yet another ball of wrapping paper at his bag--and missed, nailing him on the chin instead.

“I’m just thinking of how long it must take the old guy to wrap all this stuff, and then it’s ripped to shreds so quickly. You ever think about that?” he teased, tossing a ball of wrapping paper at her.

She picked up the ball of paper and examined it. “I do, but I also think of the love the old guy put into making everything look so pretty.” She was smiling when her eyes met his. “Effort means something, you know?”

Rafael grabbed the remaining paper and shoved it in the bag, then took his seat next to Amanda. “Yeah, it does,” he agreed. “I know that I don’t mind putting forth the effort when the rewards are so great.”

_Home. Family_.

“Wookit this one, Momma!” Jesse cried, holding up a doll in one hand as though she were holding up a trophy. “It’s the Jesus doll wike Mary had! Wookit, Wafi! I gotted the baby!”

“Bay-bee!” Billie repeated, sounding impressed. “Sissy bay-bee!”

“Could I interest you in a repeat, next year?” Amanda asked him, leaning against his shoulder.

“You better believe it,” he told her, kissing her cheek. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”


End file.
